hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
