Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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