took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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