sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
