I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
