Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i think my mom watched the whole time
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
