Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
