I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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