She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
bring money and cleavage
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
