I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
