when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
