apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
