I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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