Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
