areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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