Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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