I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
