you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
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i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize