I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
