come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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