I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
