I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Pants 0. Shit 1.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
