I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
