There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
