____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
