I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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