the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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