I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I didn't notice because vodka
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
