you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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