ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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