he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
