i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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