They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The Olympian is in my bed
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