About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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