just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
