I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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