After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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