All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
