she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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