I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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