Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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