I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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