Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
