I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I didn't notice because vodka
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
