my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
