Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
