I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
