I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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