cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
