remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
