smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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