We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
