I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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