every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
