Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
