Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
