how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
